that I am part of the “sandwich” generation. However, right now I am about out of peanut butter and this whole “caretaker” roll is getting stale. So self involved, I know, but, I’m exhausted.
a rough day. Professionally. You try and try, you work and work….and find yourself attacked. It hurts, it angers, it makes you wonder if it is worth it at all….
I had a really rough day at work last Friday. for many reasons — coworkers, staff, deadlines and expectations all whirled together into one perfect storm that set me off my axis. Truly. i struggled with a task the whole afternoon. The. Whole. Afternoon. i felt myself obsessing, working in circles, producing nothing but chaos — I shut my door so my staff wouldnt have to endure my mood. My immediate supervisor said something like “thanks” and I imagined sarcasm, criticism, doubt.
It sucked. At the end of the day, when everyone should have been readying for a nice weekend, I called a coworker in and said, please help. I cried. Cried. the tension and self doubt bubbled over and out and there wasn’t much I could do but wallow. She was amazing. Used that voice you use when someone you care about is teetering on the edge of a breakdown. talked me down, through the problem. Sat with me for almost an hour assessing, addressing and validating.
When I finally was able to put two words together and she felt it was safe to leave me, I sat at my desk and stared at my computer for another half hour. Enveloped in self doubt and anger. Picked up my little solar turkey and threw it across the room. then, embarassed, picked up the pieces and tossed them in the trash.
when i finally got myself together enough to go home and unload on my husband, he said ‘screw em, you dont need that job or any job. Give your notice.”
Now Im not going to do that, i love this job and have no intention of leaving, but hearing those words made such a difference —
And then I was able to keep the demons at bay long enough to enjoy Halloween and spend time with the kids and my sewing machine…but that feeling of incompetence brought back memories that have laid dormant for years — i didnt like it. I have to work to make sure i dont let myself go there again.
Old habits die hard.
Oye. So, my kids won’t read this. They don’t have any interest in my blog, which is okay, truly.
I have been slowly declaring my independence from the ties of parenthood, grandparenthood. Now, that does not FOR ONE MINUTE , mean that I don’t adore my kids and grandkids. i would drop everything, everything if one of them needed me –and I have many many times. Happily. I don’t regret or resent any moment with my family over the last 35 years. Not one moment.
But, over the past 2, maybe 3 years, I have realized that I am running out of time. No drama here, just reality. I’m almost 58. Realistically I have maybe 10 -15 years left to feel pretty good, be pretty active. Then, with my family history, maybe another 5 years to dwindle…and that is best case scenario. Not guaranteed, by any means. I have spent the last 35 years wrapped up in supporting other people. My people, my kids. But, its time, it really is, for me to have some ME time. for sure.
We took a honeymoon and then one camping trip in my dads camper before we started having children. popped out 3 in less than five years. When our third child was 5 we took our first weekend away, with out kids. Did it once a year for the next 2 years.( This was the time in my life when I used to stand in the back yard and watch planes fly over and wonder where they were going, if I would ever fly again. Yes, I know, poor pitiful me. )
After our 20th. anniversary I planned a trip to Cleveland to see the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. I know, Cleveland. That was the extent of our travels, alone, during our marriage. Period. We took the kids to the beach, almost every year after the oldest turned 7 — in North Carolina. Wonderful family vacations. We bought a boat, took the kids out every week. We spent many days with family and with each other, we swam at the neighborhood pool. We gave them the best life we could. We spent every minute with them, as a family. And it was a good life.
Flash forward, 35 years after we married on that Cold January day. Kids are grown and married. 6 grandchildren in 6 years and now number 7 due any minute. We retired early, then went immediately back to work, me in a new career, husband in an extension of his previous job. Our kids all live close. It is wonderful. But, it began to be expected that we would cover the holes in their days. We “felt bad” when the kids were in daycare, so we picked them up almost every day. we “felt bad” when oldest daughter or our son didn’t get to “go out”, “have fun” — so we babysat, rented beach houses and invited them all to join us. We worried that they were short on money, or time, or joy or rest time. So we worked to “fix it”. And our kids have become quite comfortable and expecting of our involvement.
And then, it occurred to me that while, for 30 years or so, I was spending every day and night raising kids and then grandkids, and had zero hobbies, very few friends and no down time, my husband had been hunting, fishing, building race cars, playing darts and helping friends. Not as much as he wanted, but still , finding time to be him. There was no time to be me. I lost me. I went through years of resentment, laying right under the surface, of the life he had molded me into. It almost drove us to divorce. I left for a little bit. He went buck crazy. I figured, hell, if he wants it back this bad, maybe it IS worth fighting for.
Over the last couple years, I have pushed back. We are working to live for us now. It is our time. We get to vacation alone, say no to babysitting, buy things we want and do things we enjoy. When my youngest says “lucky you” when I say we are at the beach, or at a restaurant, I remind her that when I was her age, or when my kids were her kids age, I was exactly where she is. We are working hard to remove ourselves from our kids marriages – their arguments, decisions are not our business. We will listen if they talk, but we will not try to solve their problems. It is not our job to figure out who gets who off the bus, or to the doctor, or new shoes. I shouldn’t turn around on the way to a business meeting to pick up a child that has a parent who should do it, as hard as it is for me to keep driving straight. We will help, when we can, when asked, but we are trying to help them not assume we are taking care of these things. Its life altering, not only for us, but, Im sure, for them.
We work full time. We have a big house. We have sore knees and I have stents in my heart. We have hobbies and toys and things we want to do. Sometimes we want to do them with company, with children around. Sometimes we try to connect with old friends that we have ignored for years. Sometimes we will alter our schedule to spend time with the people we love. We will honor traditions and be present. I never missed a hockey game, wrestling match or cheerleading performance. Never missed a dance recital or a band concert. Never. But I may miss a couple of these things when my grandchildren do them. I may choose to sit on the back porch and read the paper or drive to the beach. I’m going to build that beach house and spend months on end there. And that is ok.
I declare my Independence.
Googled a website today that was instrumental in helping ME survive my daughter’s illness, 8 years ago. My last couple attempts to log in were met with failure so I thought I’d see if I could figure out what was going on. Google sent me to a list of articles and restaurants (?) and, surprisingly, a blog written by the founder of another organization that set me back years during the recovery stage of my daughter’s illness.. Weird.
Long story short, and I think I have written about it on this blog somewhere, I was asked to become a board member of an organization working in the field of my daughters illness. Asked after MANY long conversations and emails. The founding Exec. Director was stepping down and I applied, on a whim. Im one of those people who wants to pay it forward, and since we had been helped by so many when our daughter was struggling, I thought this might be the opportunity to step it up and be a force. WRONG. So, anyway, we talked and talked and talked. They ultimately chose another applicant, but called to ask me to take on another role, sort of a face for the organization. Someone who could speak with parents, the press, the former exec., the new exec. Great gig, right? WRONG.
My husband and I planned on making the trip to DC for their National Conference, I bought a new suit — took a day off work and drove down. After signing in, with a wonderful lady who knew my name and seemed excited to see me, I wandered around for about a half hour, introducing myself, unsure of what or where my place was — feeling like I had stumbled into a Sorority Mixer that I wasn’t really invited to. Finally the new Exec. Director approached and told me “don’t introduce yourself as a board member, the members are getting offended.” Huh? “There are people on the board who don’t know about this decision, people who have worked with us for a while, who are unhappy, trying to figure out who you are.” HUH? Wouldn’t the business meeting the night before have been a good time to tell them about me or the role you had in mind for me?
Needless to say, this did not end well. We stayed the day, listened to the self congratulatory speeches about all the organization had accomplished, watched the new Exec. Director be introduced — Couldn’t get out of there fast enough. I remember my husband’s face as he tried to gauge my disappointment, tried to say the right thing. I had been “removed” , belittled and dismissed by people that I thought shared my vision, people I wanted to work alongside. His proclamation? “You don’t need them, bunch of stuck up women”. Gotta love him.
Which leads me back to where this post began. Google led me to a blog entry, written by the former Exec. about another website set up to help people suffering from this illness, and their families. Very similar initiative. The former Exec. had been ‘removed” from this site for a difference of opinion, belief, whatever. Years ago. Apparently her removal was the impetus for starting the new organization. Apparently she feels the former site was detrimental, archaic and giving bad information. Maybe, I don’t know. I don’t think so. The former site had, truly, given me solace and comfort when my daughter was suffering. I could turn to the site and post my feelings, my fears, my challenges, our triumphs. I didn’t fixate on the ads or the promos, didn’t see this organization as promoting themselves as experts, just purveyors of information for you to analyze yourself — I needed moms and dads, brothers and sisters, to listen to, react to and empathize with what we were going through. That is what I got there. No preaching. No “our way or the highway”.
So in her blog she ranted about the horrors of the site and demanded it be taken down or revamped. Sometime in the period of her writing the blog and the time I found the entry, the site had, indeed, been taken down. Because of her feelings? Because of her blog? Doubtful, but who knows. On that former site I had shared information with parents. People had contacted me, comforted me — given me advice and led me to resources that , I believe, helped our family survive.
And yet, the other site couldn’t stand the presence of their existence. Ironic, right?. She described her hurt at being removed from the original site, the pain it caused. I offer up, as a comparison, the pain this group of women caused me when they dismissed me , revoked their offer to work ( for free, obviously) with them. They missed out on something good. Im good at this, this advocacy gig. I am working to better the lives of women, to eliminate racism, to promote health and joy and empowerment. Your loss, dude. look in the mirror.
You just never know what’s gonna pop up when you hit “search’
This retiree, who ,is actually a restartee, is getting tired…. I am, surprisingly, not 22 anymore. Hell, Im not even 42 anymore….my mind is still sharp, my creativity level is still high, I am stimulated by the challenge and strategy needed to do the job I have taken on, but the hours in the day just dont allow me the time to do what i need to do.
Im slowing down. damn it. tasks take longer, organization takes more thought. And at 6:00 when I get home, i am dog tired.
The drag of it is, I dont have to work. I have a decent retirement income, we have savings and “plans” that will get us through the “golden years”, but I really really really believe in what we are doing at my job. My heart is made for service and it gives me joy . In the 8 1/2 months Ive been on this job we have accomplished great things, built the program, built our reputation, helped people. So, I dont want to stop, or quit. or even slow down, i just need a few more hours in every day so that I can do my Job and see the grandbabies, go to the mall, meet a friend for lunch, have dinner with my husband, go to church, go to the beach…
…and underpaid has just taken on all new meaning……just sayin.
So, I retired 2 years ago this month. went back to work part time the very next day…..then a year later found the perfect fulltime gig == great job, great people, strong mission…..good stuff.
But, yesterday, the job interfered with the life. Family situation that I needed to deal with, right in the middle of preparation for an important presentation. Juggle. Family wins, of course. So I took care of that, and have the privilege of being able to telecommute, so did some work last night to catch up.
And this morning, it continues. Needed by family for a few hours. Supervisor excellent, understands, all good. But, do I ? Do I want to be in that place where you have to decide whether to spend time with the grandbabies or the office? Do I want to do 8 hours a day behind a desk or at meetings? Or do I want to sit in the backyard watching the kids play….
time will tell. I dont do anything halfway, so it will be a conscious decision, for sure. Time will tell.
what a day!!!!! Everyone , EVERYONE i came into contact with today either had a bad morning, a stressful afternoon or appeared to be losing their mind….is it a full moon???? Is the earth falling off its axis? Is there some bad mojo floating around? Man, if tomorrow goes like this Im going to bed and staying there…