Debate

I watched a movie this morning “The Great Debaters”.  If you havent watched it, do.

Advertisements

weight of the world…

This week has been rough … ( understatement, I know ) on many levels.  Nationally, the tragedy in Florida sucks the air out of me.

Personally, issues with my mom, my grandchildren…cause me to ache to be able to do more, to fix, to be present everywhere, all the time…

Physically I made it to the gym once.  Not good.  need to be there at least 3 times a week.

And, it is still February.

Breathe.

February…………

UGGHHH…I hate February.

As far as Im concerned the only two good things that ever happened in February are the births of two of my grandchildren…. and seriously both of them could have waited a couple days…..March is so much more hopeful.

This weather, the dark, stores full of grumpy people.  My husband pouting over whatever has him pissed off at the moment.

I hate February.

Oh for goodness sake…

Husband had back surgery Tuesday.  Recouping at home, fairly steady improvement so far but I have had some trouble getting him to get off the chair and walk….or move….

Left him for an hour today to get him some medicine and Valentines Gifts for the grandbabies.  Come home to find him hanging out the front door, in pajamas and robe no less, in the rain, holding a conversation with some kid ( ok, young man) holding an umbrella and cell phone.  As I leave the car Im like “can I help you?” to which this kid starts with “yes, Ms. L Im here to schedule an appointment…” and husband starts in with ” Im gonna get him to give us a price on 5 windows. ” I’m like

“WHOA!  You, get your butt in the house, its raining and you had BACK surgery 4 days ago.”

And,

“YOU– goodbye.  We are not standing in the rain with an unsolicited salesman discussing windows”.

Husband knows the look on my face and shuts the door.  This simple kid makes a call to the “office” and is trying to get me to set up an appointment.  Then he asks if he can help me carry my packages in.  Uh NO.  It took me no less than 5 minutes to get this child to head back down the sidewalk.

At which point I grab my 7 candy hearts, 5 stuffed animals and 2 lego minis and stumble up the steps.  My husband had locked the door.  Both locks.  No way this guy was getting in.  Or me.

Found the key and got in the house, soaking wet to have him announce:  “you dont trust anybody.  charities that call the house, people who knock on the door, you dont trust anybody.”  I about fell out.

Time to cut him back on his meds I think.

I should be…

at the beach.  There is work to be done at the beach house — pipes burst, removation is just beginning….

But I am where I am supposed to be.  Sitting on the couch watching Rio with my 4 year old grandson, home sick with a nasty cold.  Worrying about my youngest who is on her way to get an ultrasound before they schedule surgery.  Stressing over my husband’s upcoming surgery on his back  — grateful that my doctor appt. yesterday went well.  Wondering how I will supervise the reconstruction of our beach house, care for my husband after surgery and how I am going to help my daughter get two boys to school and home again and care for her after her surgery.  REALLY glad I retired because 2018 would have gotten me fired !

The search for normal

We drive our grandkids to the boardwalk.  Lights and rides and cheap stuffed animals surround us — then a young man runs out of a storefront — “Stay the F— out of my store, you hear?”

We search for normal.

We sit poolside, toucan floats and cheesy pizza at our side.  I check twitter, only to learn of another shooting in our home town.

We reach for normal.

We run to the ocean edge, scooping shells and searching for sand crabs for bait.  I hear an elderly couple speaking of the newest health care changes being considered.

We yearn for normal.

I can not help but worry that my grandchildren, aged 8 to 2, will never really understand this normal that I look for.  They are growing up without peaches with a quarter inch of fuzz, without open doors and barbecues.  They hear of shootings and presidential “tweets”.  Will they be able to sit on their front step, a half hour before sunrise and smell that sweet morning nectar, see the golden rays jump up behind the neighbors house?  More and more I doubt it.  And more and more I search for pieces of light to share with them, pictures and memories of days gone by when the ocean was clean, the rivers and creeks safe to swim in, woods were for exploring and friends spent the night.

I cry for normal.

tossin this out there

Why is it that my grown daughter feels it is ok to ignore my phone calls?  I know cell phones are invasive, and that you dont HAVE to answer them, but its her mother for God’s sake, wouldnt you think she’d pick up just to make sure everything is ok?????  When she calls me, I answer.  When her dad calls, 99% of the time, she answers.  When I call?  its a 50/50 chance she will pick up.  Seriously.