Today I had a good cry ( as if there were such a thing…). Damn facebook got me again.
I have written about my son’s marriage. You dream about your kids getting married, and if you are smart enough, you realize it is their day and will probably not be exactly what you planned. And, you are okay with that, for the most part.
My son married a woman that doesn’t like us. Period. Finds fault in everything, yells, curses and stews like noone I have ever met. And, loves my son, his daughter and works hard every day. Fights her own demons Im sure == and ignores us, rather than engaging in more drama.
Its a trade off, but for now, its working.
But today, facebook took me back to a video of a young couple’s wedding entrance. Dancing, hugging, sunglasses. Music, joy, laughter — bliss. And I sobbed. Yup, sobbed. Pent up tears from their wedding 10 months ago? Triggered by the happiness on the screen? Maybe. Mourning what could have been? Probably. Joes friends, and my sons in law would have loved this == I can picture each of them shaking down that aisle, celebrating. But, it didnt happen. Instead it was a “vanilla” wedding — banned from the bridal party, the celebrations and the preparation, our family attended, but did not participate. And while we were there physically and in spirit, it was a sad day for the right side of the aisle.
And today it kind of hit me.
I stumbled upon the pictures ) good ole Facebook) from my oldest grandchildren’s baptism today. 5 years ago we baptised the oldest two,in Silver Spring Maryland, where my oldest daughter was living. There are hundreds of memories in those pictures, glimpses of dad in the fog that possessed him that day, George holding tightly to his children, and grandchildren, Ryan being hoisted into the air by the best pastor ever….
But what hit me, what smacked me and stroked me at the same time, was the bond between our children. Solid, physical and spiritual, evident. They have had their moments. They have yelled at, avoided, ignored, used and hurt each other over the years, but in the end, in the clinch, in the moment when push comes to shove, they come through. They defend. They support and love each other, no matter what. They show up, kicking and screaming, but they show up. We have heard, years later, of late night runs to shady stores to wire money to Joe, long conversations into the night about boyfriends or girlfriends or roommates, of phone calls to ex’s — warning them off, of “loans” and “gifts” and “borrowed uggs”. We have seen them sit for hours, supporting each other after life events that rocked us all off our center and heard them scream until their throats are hoarse. They have suffered through therapy sessions. visits to people they don’t want to see, college tours and they have, for the last 19 years, kept the pact they made to never tell me who broke the Nativity Set….
I love them more than life. I respect them and I envy their closeness. Most of all, I am somewhat calmed and reassured by the fact that they will have each other long after I am gone. that they will support each other through anything, celebrate success and fight through the crap.
I started this blog, years ago, to advocate for issues and points I think are important. I read back over it the other night and am ashamed to say, that for the most part, it has turned into a rant about whatever is pissing me off at the moment.
For the most part, I don’t think of myself as a complainer, or a downer. However, reading this blog you might think otherwise.
Maybe I needed it to cleanse my soul, maybe after I wrote each of the pissed off posts I went out and did something positive , something helpful, something to advocate for right.
I hope so.
I will try to do better. I dont tolerate self-absorbed women who blame the world or the ex or their mom or whoever for their issues. I will work to not be that woman.
Oh, and if you go back and read some of my posts, please look for the light at the end of the tunnel. It is always there, it is always positve and it always feels better.
So, this morning, skimming through my “on this day” page on Facebook, (Good Lord what did we do without Facebook…) I stumble upon this little blog that I started years ago….( and then obviously became distracted and forgot ) . Dont have time right now to review it but quite impressed with the little balloons I have climbing up the page….. Be back later…unless some shiny object distracts me…