rethinking this path

How do you rethink and reprioritize your life when your partner doesn’t think about anything deeper than what’s for dinner?  Now, I know that sounds harsh, and critical, but my husband is just fine with his daily routine of “react” and “accept” and “complain”.  He wanders through his day, hating his job.  He comes home and is happy if there is dinner in the oven.  He spends his evenings either asleep in his chair or thumbing through car magazines for car parts for the car in the garage that he will never finish, the car that has, probably, $3000 worth of parts in the basement.  He proactively accomplishes nothing.  nothing.  In a pinch, when something needs reacting to, he’s good.  You can count on him to be there, to repair things, to REACT.  So his existence is pretty much dictated by the world around him.

We took our 5 year old granddaughter to Disney.  We have promised her this trip since, seriously, the day she was born.  Neither of us are Disney fans, but understand the allure it has for young children….she had a wonderful time, but bedtime the first night was rough, she missed her blanket, and she didn’t like or want to ride any of the rides.  Midway through the second day he looked at me and said “I could have told you this would happen.  She is too young to take away from her dad.” Really?  REALLY?  You had an opinion, a thought?  An idea to contribute that may have helped the situation?  Wow.  Maybe you could have shared this insight last July when I started to book this trip.  But, no.  That would have required you had a real conversation  — much more your style to wait until something occurs and then zing me with the “I knew it”  line.  Seriously.  

But I regress.  I am in the midst of a “life rethink”.  I won’t do anything rash, three years ago when my dad died I went apeshit and left my husband, came back, purchased a piece of land in Chincotegue that I cant unload.  So, I know that I have to be careful with decisions when I am in a stressed state.  Last year I lost my mind and retired.  Retired.  at 55.  Took a pay cut that is beating me up.  Had a temper tantrum at work, decided I couldn’t take ANYMORE crap from administration and retired.   Right now we have too many bills, too many commitments to our kids and grandkids, too many people that expect us, ok, me, to rescue them.  We have no “fun” time.  A few weeks ago, when I was complaining about the nightly snorefest in his chair, he came up with “maybe we should play cards”…..needless to say, there have been no shuffled decks.  Im 56, not 86, what’s next, bingo?

And then a young woman, 34 years old, at my part time job, had a seizure.  At home.  In bed.  With her husband and 2 small children looking on.  In the hospital, MRI revealed a brain tumor.  The second brain tumor in our office in less than a year, but that’s another story.  Surgery on the day she was supposed to leave for Bora Bora….long story short, its cancer.  They got most of the tumor.  She has no use of her right hand.  OT starts this week….chemo and radiation to follow. 

My heart heaves when I think of this.  I am so blessed, so lucky to be 56 and pretty healthy.  I have so much to be thankful for, and yet I know I am wasting many many minutes of many days.  Watching my husband snore. . Watching TV.  Worrying about bills.  I am ready for a change.  I want to sell the property and the house.  Clear our bills.  Rent a place until we find a place.  Breathe.  Go to the beach, go to the library, go go go.   I want to sit on a bench and look at the ocean and visit San Antonio where we met.  I want to go back to the Bahamas, 34 years after we honeymooned there.  I want a damn passport.  And a reason to have one.  I want to be “grammy” not the babysitter, bill payer, worrier, and rescue dog that I am now.

So I bring it up to my husband. 

“No damn way” .  

Great, another deep meaningful conversation.

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